Andras Lenart

Services / Couples & Relationships

Couples & Relationship Therapy in Victoria, BC

Couples therapy that works with the pattern driving the fight — not just better scripts for having it.

It's the same fight. It's always the same fight.

Different topics, same structure. One of you pursues, one withdraws. One raises it, one shuts down. It ends the way it always ends, and you're both a little more careful with each other the next day — which is its own kind of distance.

Maybe it's not even fighting. Maybe it's roommates: functional, polite, far apart.

Most couples therapy responds with communication skills — active listening, I-statements, de-escalation. Worth having. But if skills were the problem, two intelligent adults would have solved this by now.

What's actually driving it:

  • Attachment wounds — early learning about whether closeness is safe, whether needs get met, whether expressing them costs you.
  • Defensive patterns — the protection each of you learned as kids (withdraw, attack, appease), now firing at each other.
  • Insecurity — surfacing as jealousy, control, or a need for reassurance that never quite lands.
  • Unresolved hurts — the ones that never got repaired, quietly collecting interest.

These live in two nervous systems, not in your communication toolkit. That's why the toolkit keeps failing at the exact moment you need it.

How I work with couples

Two levels at once.

The practical level — Gottman Method: mapping your specific cycle, how bids for connection get missed, how repair attempts fail. Real skills for real moments: raising something without launching a war, listening while triggered, finding your way back after a blowup.

The level underneath — experiential work with what powers the cycle: each of your attachment histories, the fear underneath the criticism, the hurt underneath the silence. And we work with it live. When the pattern shows up in the room — it will — that's not a session going wrong. That's the session working. You'll each get to see, in real time, what happens in your partner's nervous system when they go quiet or go loud. That changes how you fight more than any technique.

You leave with tools. You also leave understanding each other at the level that makes tools work.

This works best if:

  • The same fight keeps returning in different costumes.
  • You're both willing to look at your own patterns, not just your partner's.
  • You want to change the cycle, not win it.
  • You're functional but distant, and you want more than logistics between you.

This may not be right if:

  • One of you has already fully decided to leave (discernment counselling is the honest option).
  • There's ongoing violence or untreated addiction — safety and stabilization come first.
  • You're looking for a referee to declare a winner.

FAQ

We've done couples therapy before and it didn't stick. Why would this be different?

Most couples work stays at the skills level, and skills fail precisely when the nervous system takes over — mid-fight, when you need them. We work with what takes over.

We don't really fight — we're just distant. Is that what couples therapy is for?

Yes. Distance is a conflict style. Two people can build a very durable wall out of politeness.

Is it too late for us?

From inside a stuck cycle, everything looks terminal. What actually predicts outcome isn't how bad it's gotten — it's whether both of you are still willing to look at your own side of the pattern.

Ready to start?

If you recognized yourself here and want to work at this level, get in touch — a few lines about what's going on is plenty.

Fees & Coverage

Individual: $175/session · Couples: $190 (50 min) or $265 (80 min) · $5 off with e-transfer.

As an RCC and CCC, my services are covered by most extended health plans in Canada; I provide receipts for reimbursement. A limited number of sliding-scale spots are available.